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Discovery Channel marks huge ratings with annual Shark Week

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The FDA discovered e-coli in ground beef that is distributed nationwide but it won’t hurt the restaurant business. The hamburger chains have all diversified their food items. Alex Rodriguez is so shot full of hormones McDonald’s just added him to their menu.

The Discovery Channel got huge ratings from Shark Week which started 30 years ago. Back then they had to show sharks devouring seals to compete with old Third Reich newsreel footage on the History Channel. This is how channel-surfing was born in America.

Major League Baseball put the hammer down on performance-enhancing drug users Monday and suspended a dozen players for 50 games. All 12 of the suspended baseball players are from Latin America. To a man, they insist they didn’t take any stereos.

Manhattan joined the boycott against Russian vodka over Russia’s new law banning gay propaganda. Bartenders are pouring all Russian vodka brands down the drain. And in other news, the number of rats attending AA meetings in New York is at an all-time high.

President Obama arrived in Los Angeles to appear on the “Tonight Show” Tuesday. His arrival halted traffic during rush hour while his limo and police escort glided up the San Diego Freeway. Onlookers just assumed that O.J.’s parole had gone all the way through.

The CIA launched a drone strike that killed four al-Qaeda militants Tuesday as they were riding in a jeep on the main highway in Yemen. The attacks are becoming common there. There are signs all along the highway that read Caution: 72 Virgins Ahead.

The NFL is training the first female NFL referee in history, Sarah Thomas, in practices this month. She’s a finalist along with five men. She’s refereed six years in college but the five male candidates are prison guards and have the edge in NFL experience.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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